Nasty Weather

Posted: May 21, 2018 in Uncategorized

Confession: I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in almost a week. Restless rolling and tossing. Getting up to go to the bathroom one to three times while trying to rest. And dreams, all manner of dreams. Not all bad, necessarily, though it seems like I can’t get through a night without at least one really bad one. Usually the last one before I decide to get up and start the day. Last night wasn’t too bad as far as sleep goes, though I had a hard timeĀ getting there. As a result, I woke up exceptionally late today, which I was already kind of working on after a week of internet outages and mostly having the house to myself. They say that violent dreams are supposed to signal a big change happening in life, and maybe that’s what I’m preparing myself for. But more likely I think my brain is just a jerk even though I just want some rest. It’s supposed to hail this afternoon.

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Missive

Posted: May 15, 2018 in Uncategorized

Hello.

I’m writing this offline, in a Notepad document. There’s no internet. Hasn’t been for a couple of hours. Odd timing too, I’d just laid out all the work I wanted to get done today and just as I was ready to begin, poof. Out goes the line. Probably routine maintenance, knowing the ISP. That’s fine. It’s just minorly inconvenient, but I’m not letting it slow me down. I’d considered taking the time to relax, unwind, take in a couple of movies or get some sleeping in, but the circumstances are such that it felt like a wasted opportunity. Sure, it’s the middle of the night and I have no meaningful way to do at least a solid 50% of the things that I want to get done in a day, but also I have the house to myself, with my two cohabitants called away on different family obligations. So I can do things like dishes and laundry in the middle of the night without disturbing anybody. As it is, the house is probably over 1/3 clean just from tonight alone. I’ve been getting caught up on some reading for work. I watched a little TV. Showered. Just now realized I forgot to shave while I was doing that. Maybe I can do that in a little bit here. And even writing a blog post for the first time in a long while (I’ve been busy. Sorry). So yeah, it probably would make more long-term stability sense for me to have just let the night go, put on some tennis, and had a crack at sleep. I’ve even had a beer to get that process started. I may have one or two more. But I also recognize the opportunity in front of me to take a house all to myself and absolutely no distractions present and get a big chunk of things done that do not require that sort of 21st century constant connectivity. I might have some surprises waiting in the email when it comes back up and I’ll have to change plans, but as things currently stand, I’m feeling pretty good about where I am and what I’m doing. And with the bedsheets in the wash, I’m committed to at least a few more hours of getting things done. So don’t feel bad for me. At least not unless it’s ten or twelve hours later and nothing’s back up again. Then send humanitarian aid. Because I may be resourceful and a little old school, but this man’s mind was not meant for prolonged absence from the constant flow of data that makes up what passes for comfort these days.

Thank you.

Contract Chef

Posted: April 9, 2018 in Uncategorized

Last week was….long. And I’m on to this one now, feeling better, feeling more present and functional. It’s not all entirely behind me, I had a hard time going to sleep last night until I was thoroughly exhausted, but for the most part, when there are things to be done, I can focus in and work. I owe a lot of people gratitude for their support and I think it may be a while yet before I am 100%, but I’ll take the improvement and I can handle the rest. Thanks to everyone for putting up with me in the meantime, already and in the future. I know I can be kind of a jerk sometimes, especially when I’m feeling moody or put off, and I think I have a tendency to make things worse when I get like that, but hopefully things never get so far gone that they can’t be fixed.

Me and a Sandwich

Posted: March 29, 2018 in Uncategorized

Woke up late today, woke up grumpy today. Had a hard time falling asleep last night: the usual culprits. Right now I feel a little more in control of things, even if I have a lot on my plate. I think the big difference is that I know the bulk of the day is mine to do as I please, and I know right away what I need to get done today. So even if it involves a lot of reading, a fair amount of cleaning, and so on, I don’t currently expect any surprises. Of course, that’s a silly notion, because if you expect a surprise, it isn’t a surprise. But my point is, yesterday I got a little overwhelmed shortly before bed, and today I have a plan for my whole day. And even if it’s going to take me some time to accomplish, I can put a plan in place and watch as my day becomes hopefully more controlled, rather than devolve into shock.

Managing a Mountain

Posted: March 28, 2018 in Uncategorized

Yesterday was one of the most event-free days I’ve had in a long time. And as a result, I managed to enjoy a few hours of just solid me-time. By the end of the day I didn’t feel great about it, but my energy was solid. I could have spent that time more intelligently and as a result gotten more things done: worked in some exercise, pulled off a stream, et cetera et cetera. Instead I’m staring at about 350 words worth of work as if it’s a sheer cliff that I somehow need to climb. I’ll get to the top in an hour or so, but for now it seems like an impossible task. I have the night on my side though, thanks to questionable sleeping habits, and so in reality I have plenty of time and very little in the way of stress or pressure. Just a standard case of the “in 15 minutes.”

The Circus for Peanuts

Posted: March 26, 2018 in Uncategorized

Are there any better moments in life then those laughs so intense, the fits of absolute delight cranked all the way up past the maximum that they leave people with headaches, sweaty brows, bleary, tear-filled eyes, a room full of people or a single person gasping for air as they process the humor that just floated past them? We never think of these moments when we consider the highs of our lives, they are as untouchable as a spotlight. They fleetly move away from us in a matter of hours, impossible to translate to other people, to those not present to experience that tiny sliver of magic. Nor do we chase these experiences, even as we chase every other dopamine and adrenaline rush within our means, we seem programmed to know the sanctity of these situations and to be reverent when they arrive but not seek to create them. Perhaps these are miracles that we experience, full exuberant joy that pauses to visit every once in a great while.

Several Small Piles of Life

Posted: March 25, 2018 in Uncategorized

Photographs are interesting. And though I have spent much of my young life avoiding the lens, only to enter situations where I wish I had pictures available (you were right, mom) I now mildly obey when someone asks to take a picture. About a quarter of the time, I see the finished product and I think, hey, that’s pretty good. The other three quarters, I’m reminded why I ducked the camera and photo opportunities. And I’m alright with the fact that I avoided those snapshots in that moment, when I consider that most of them would have made me cringe upon revisitation. But I suppose there will come a time when all that will be left will be letters and photographs. Thoughts such as this. And it might be well for the sake of posterity if I begin to record aspects of my life, though I already spent a good deal of time in front of the camera now.

And that’s a weird thing too, that after decades of avoiding anything camera related, I have found a professional and personal home in front of the camera. And it’s not like I just sort of pretend it’s not there, I can see what it sees. I can go back and watch the recordings. And all of my flaws are there on full display, bizarrely shaped eyebrows, fat chin, mouth slightly agape struggling to breathe, teeth knocked out of natural position. All of these things are recorded too. And as much as I would love to change them, they’re all there. I can’t do anything about it, really. Well, that’s not true, there are ways around it, but I’ve elected to be honest with myself, with the public, about the person that I am. It’s a liberating approach, to check all the boxes of things I don’t like about myself and just let them all hang on the line.

Some of those things, I can change. My weight has been becoming a problem that’s starting a bit of a domino effect, and so I’m setting aside an hour on most days to do some physical activity again, for my body. Belly, lungs, skin, you name it. And also for my mind. I think even though I spent the better part of this best week freaking out about how to manage my time, I think that taking some time just to work on myself and improve my situation while simultaneously letting me turn my brain off for an hour a day will ultimately be a start down a path that will be better for me, even if it’s a tight fit on some days. Sometimes all it can take is just an hour spent differently to change a life one way or the other.