The other night, this was a couple of nights ago, I was really ready to not sleep at all. In an impossible fashion however, not simple as to say I will stay up all night and then sleep some time during the day (even though that is largely what ended up happening). What I really wanted was to just sort of say that this night is a wash, let’s push the clock up to 10, bring out the sun, and let’s start the next day. It was a different kind of feeling than I’ve hard before, it wasn’t even really the same as the last night of anticipation before a trip that makes it hard to sleep or do anything but double and triple-check the luggage. I was lying there and thinking that nothing I could get done was going to make an impact. The timing was all wrong. And so I laid in bed, struggling to be comfortable, thinking to myself that this night-time business was really not what was needed that day. Normally when I feel similar I just get out of bed and do something productive for a couple hours and then I feel more at peace and can go to sleep. It’s all past tense now, taken care of, but I can’t remember ever thinking that all I really wanted to do was move on to the next day. The thing about these moments, these predicaments is that it smacks of a lack of patience. Time isn’t dragging heels out of spite, it moves with precision and accuracy ever-forward and never looks back no matter how hard the pleas of its subjects. In that way, time is reliable. And any day that is too dark is always destined to end. Patience solves more problems than frantic action.


Varnished into Thin Air

Posted: March 23, 2018 in Uncategorized

Wind sees a lot of things as it moves across the globe. Swirling in every direction, paying no heed to the creations of man or the elongated growth of natural trees. It flows regardless of climate, fearless of land and sea alike. It can push gently in a friendly, timid way, or it can aggressively shove all things with impunity and sometimes destructive force. It helps things to grow, it once pushed ships with cultural and consumable exchanges but has since been abandoned for all but leisure. Now the people whom it once served look to it now mostly as nuisance. Save your kite flyers and your sailors those that are generating power with the invisible force of the world, people turn their nose up at wind as they would a mangy hound. Bringer of allergies, tipper of garbage cans, the once-revered and still necessary force of wind has been relegated to a naturally occurring inconvenience.


Posted: March 22, 2018 in Uncategorized

Already feeling better just letting things go every day. And I think, in a big way, I am accomplishing more than I was the old way. It’s a little more scattershot, and there’s obviously (always) bugs to go around. So it’ll work for a while, and then it won’t. Have you all detected a theme yet? I am reluctant to believe that I’ll ever find a way of doing things that permanently works for me. So the idea is to be flexible in my approach and rigid in my goal. And in doing things that way, I believe that I will reach a point where I can address the things that require priority without throwing everything else into upheaval. I know what I want, I know what I need, and I know that balancing those things is not a formula I can plug variables in to. It takes adjustment and an eye to see what is most pressing.

Heartbeat as Bicycle

Posted: March 20, 2018 in Uncategorized

Had an issue last night where I couldn’t sleep, felt a little short of breath, fidgety. Kinda panicked, I suppose. And I know why, because I’m trying to outrun a mountain of personal obligation and failing. I think I need to learn again, and I’m working on it this week now, how to let things go and accept that things will fall by the wayside daily. And not to ignore those goals that slip through, not to set them aside over and over again, but also not to carry a growing weight with me, day into day, week into week, month into month. So I’m starting a little fresh today, I know what needs to be done but I’m not worried about what didn’t get done yesterday, only what remains to be done today. And when I go to bed tonight I will put all that housework and those articles aside, and they will not be things I did not do today but rather things that I will work on tomorrow.

Purple Brass

Posted: January 16, 2018 in Uncategorized

Falling asleep with sports on is nothing new. Even as someone who enjoys watching sports, there’s something soothing about crowd noise and announcer cadence that lulls me right to sleep. The problem is that there aren’t a lot of live sports played at 1AM, at least not in America. So my current white noise app is the Tennis Channel. Not only are they 24 hours of mostly games, but anything played outside of the Americas has a high percentage of being live when I need to go to sleep, which is somehow more acceptable. Don’t ask me why, it’s just easier to fall asleep to an event actually taking place rather than a recording of some final from the past 10 years. The rhythmic thwaks and thwoks of tennis also help, it’s like a metronome that guides me to the land of slumber in just a few minutes. It doesn’t work all the time, but when it does, it works great.


Posted: January 15, 2018 in Uncategorized

Two months later, hello. I’ll be coming back to blog near-daily, I believe, trying to reestablish a functional routine. The past few weeks (months?) have been less than ideal. I’ve gotten a lot done, it’s true, plenty of work and productivity, but it’s been lopsided. So much so that it impacted my mental health and led to a little bit of burnout, so I’m trying something new which is kind of something old, and finding some habits that I know are at the very least effective. So join me won’t you, in this masquerade of me posting the same things virtually every day for a few minutes in order for me to feel good about myself a little bit. I’ll try to make it more interesting if I can. And I’ll probably be off on weekends and maybe Wednesdays. Other days though, watch out: here come the bloggos two by two.

Blood Comes From Within

Posted: November 11, 2017 in Uncategorized

A little sweaty right now, a little dread-filled right now. I used to be a big poker player, and I’m not really as much anymore. It has a lot to do with time commitments, money commitments, and how much you spend of one to end up behind in the other.

I’m not a good poker player, is what I’m trying to say here.

But twice a year, minimum, I partake in what used to be a bi-weekly tradition of sitting down at the table and playing poker with former co-workers, friends, and roommates. On this particular night in question, we play in honor of my deceased friend Jesse, and we, in what can only be described as the infinite wisdom of men in their 20s, decided to toast this game every year by consuming Jesse’s favorite poker drink – Crown Royal whiskey.

Now years ago, when this tradition started and we remembered our friend with vigor and zeal, these games ended with laughing, drunken shouting, and a lot of vomit, hangovers, and worse the next day. There has been on more than one occasion, a Sunday after this game where I spend all day in bed on my side, trying to breathe without moving, watching football very quietly and picking at a Subway sandwich the way David Hasselhoff picked at his Wendy’s.

Now that we’re older (maybe not wiser) we’ve toned down the drinking considerably but we do all kind of groan when this day comes. It’s like a dentist visit, or a prostate exam. None of us want to do this. It’s just generally considered a good idea. We drink less often, we drink less by volume, but this is probably my big drinking day of the year. And I’ll probably be twenty dollars poorer by the end of it. Cheers, Jesse.