Feeling oddly good this morning, considering that last night, I could swear another fever was moving in. I took some tylenol, took all my prescribed medications, and eventually found my way to sleep, which was long, and thorough, and deep. Now awake, there are some bits of “discharge” that I am removing from my breathing apparatus, but I feel close to normal. I haven’t taken this morning’s pills (I’ve graduated to the “as needed” medications on my list) and I haven’t had any caffeine and I feel alert and functional and, well, okay. I’ll go to the inhaler first if there are any problems, and then to the benzos, as the Mucinex seems useless if the mucus is flowing. I’ll probably still take them before bed, as the past few nights have threatened me with restlessness, and the drowzing effects of the medication have helped me to sleep if for no other reason than that I have believed they will prevent me from coughing, and so they do.
Slept for shit last night. Entering the back-end of the bronchitis, so instead of sleeping peacefully through drugs as I just described, I woke up in the middle of the night and coughed for about an hour. Little blobs of snot working their way out with difficulty. Throat hurts. Poor sleep. Woke up and instead of being as productive as I wanted to be, I dragged. I spent time laying on the floor, on the couch. Needed a double shot of caffeine just to get going and even then, wasn’t going very well. So I’m cleaning a bit, doing laundry, fixing to stream again in a bit. But I need to start working out every day. I want to, I’m planning to, but I wonder if it’s a bad idea when I can’t breathe quite as well as I want/need to. So I’m kinda putting it off, kinda think it’s the right decision, kinda think it’s just an excuse.
A week after my doctor’s trip and so far I am feeling better. Not like, BETTER, but improved. Improved to the point that now when I cough, disgusting things come up out of my lungs instead of just taking up residency. It ain’t pretty, but it’s relieving. And it beats the alternative. But it does mean a lot of throat clearing. Maybe the best part are the allergy pills, which, when taken as instructed, cause me to have long, dreamful sleeps. Rarely upsetting, very very restful. I could get used to that, but I am also terrified that once the illness is over, I will have gotten used to it, and sleep will only come with difficulty. Not that that’s anything new. I can always just stay up and do things. Story of my life right there, staying up and doing things. Eating noodles. Typed it as noofles. Why isn’t that a word? Noofles.
Up a little earlier today, and to bed a little later, but still a solid amount of sleep, still pills before bed and still pills when I wake up. Feeling much better but still definitely sick. I think by Monday I’ll be in that state where I am functionally better, but not necessarily 100%. Every day is an improvement though, there are large swaths of the day now where I can breath like a normal human being, well, as normal as my breathing has ever been. Not a fan of being sick. It’s a different story when it gets you out of school, but once it starts cutting into your paychecks or you are following a passion and being sick puts you behind others, it becomes a problem. I do tend to enjoy that first day where you can just sleep all day and let your batteries recharge, because I don’t often give myself full days like that, but that’s the extent of it. The grind of a full week of feeling unwell and still trying to match your output is a real drag.
So be one. Be a performer. Go on stage and make somebody feel special, make them the centerpiece, or make them think they are. See, people don’t need to be in the center of the circus, but they need the illusion that it moves around them. So move it around them. And move it around others. Bring people together through a commonality that is your love. Live for others. Always be looking to improve what others have, enhance their existence. If someone will open their heart to you, open yours wide enough to swallow them. Feed off of reciprocation. Take people into your being and make them the stars of your movie. Doing this makes you feel good, and it might help you put things away that need addressing, but it also means that they will have their actions influence by your love, and it will spread to others and it will also come back to you marked return to sender with more inside than you gave out.
It’s a weird morning in the desert. The full moon and the artificial light are combining to make it look like dawn throughout. The smells of autumn are beginning to waft, the fragrant mesquite smoke wafting slowly through the air. Bats and birds are chirping and squeaking. If you took a photo and exposed it to more light than usual, and that photo could somehow have accompanying sound, you might mistake it for the early morning, save for the lack of cars on the streets. And I am there, walking, trudging slowly the tenth of a mile to my mailbox, tucking an electric bill under my arm and flipping through a circular looking for fast food coupons. Finding none, I throw the whole thing in the mail trash receptacle and use my now free hand to cover my mouth as I force out a loud cough and discard the result onto the pavement. It could be morning somewhere, it is simply still the middle of the night here.
Took my pills yesterday, climbed into bed, watched about 10 minutes of television, and then passed out. I slept for a long time, slept for 12 hours, and I already feel much better. I’m sure much of that is the medicine, and much of that is also the rest. Now I’m awake, productive, and very hungry. I know I’m not 100% better, far from it. I still have a cough, and I can’t draw or expel a full breath without triggering it. But I don’t feel terrible, and I’m looking forward to some productivity while at the same time getting plenty of rest. The balance is nice and, I’ll be honest, it’s comforting to be able to backburner a few things in the name of restoring my health. It’s no secret I try to do too much, but this gives me the opportunity to turn a few priorities on their heads and focus on other things.