Contract Chef

Posted: April 9, 2018 in Uncategorized

Last week was….long. And I’m on to this one now, feeling better, feeling more present and functional. It’s not all entirely behind me, I had a hard time going to sleep last night until I was thoroughly exhausted, but for the most part, when there are things to be done, I can focus in and work. I owe a lot of people gratitude for their support and I think it may be a while yet before I am 100%, but I’ll take the improvement and I can handle the rest. Thanks to everyone for putting up with me in the meantime, already and in the future. I know I can be kind of a jerk sometimes, especially when I’m feeling moody or put off, and I think I have a tendency to make things worse when I get like that, but hopefully things never get so far gone that they can’t be fixed.


Me and a Sandwich

Posted: March 29, 2018 in Uncategorized

Woke up late today, woke up grumpy today. Had a hard time falling asleep last night: the usual culprits. Right now I feel a little more in control of things, even if I have a lot on my plate. I think the big difference is that I know the bulk of the day is mine to do as I please, and I know right away what I need to get done today. So even if it involves a lot of reading, a fair amount of cleaning, and so on, I don’t currently expect any surprises. Of course, that’s a silly notion, because if you expect a surprise, it isn’t a surprise. But my point is, yesterday I got a little overwhelmed shortly before bed, and today I have a plan for my whole day. And even if it’s going to take me some time to accomplish, I can put a plan in place and watch as my day becomes hopefully more controlled, rather than devolve into shock.

Managing a Mountain

Posted: March 28, 2018 in Uncategorized

Yesterday was one of the most event-free days I’ve had in a long time. And as a result, I managed to enjoy a few hours of just solid me-time. By the end of the day I didn’t feel great about it, but my energy was solid. I could have spent that time more intelligently and as a result gotten more things done: worked in some exercise, pulled off a stream, et cetera et cetera. Instead I’m staring at about 350 words worth of work as if it’s a sheer cliff that I somehow need to climb. I’ll get to the top in an hour or so, but for now it seems like an impossible task. I have the night on my side though, thanks to questionable sleeping habits, and so in reality I have plenty of time and very little in the way of stress or pressure. Just a standard case of the “in 15 minutes.”

The Circus for Peanuts

Posted: March 26, 2018 in Uncategorized

Are there any better moments in life then those laughs so intense, the fits of absolute delight cranked all the way up past the maximum that they leave people with headaches, sweaty brows, bleary, tear-filled eyes, a room full of people or a single person gasping for air as they process the humor that just floated past them? We never think of these moments when we consider the highs of our lives, they are as untouchable as a spotlight. They fleetly move away from us in a matter of hours, impossible to translate to other people, to those not present to experience that tiny sliver of magic. Nor do we chase these experiences, even as we chase every other dopamine and adrenaline rush within our means, we seem programmed to know the sanctity of these situations and to be reverent when they arrive but not seek to create them. Perhaps these are miracles that we experience, full exuberant joy that pauses to visit every once in a great while.

Several Small Piles of Life

Posted: March 25, 2018 in Uncategorized

Photographs are interesting. And though I have spent much of my young life avoiding the lens, only to enter situations where I wish I had pictures available (you were right, mom) I now mildly obey when someone asks to take a picture. About a quarter of the time, I see the finished product and I think, hey, that’s pretty good. The other three quarters, I’m reminded why I ducked the camera and photo opportunities. And I’m alright with the fact that I avoided those snapshots in that moment, when I consider that most of them would have made me cringe upon revisitation. But I suppose there will come a time when all that will be left will be letters and photographs. Thoughts such as this. And it might be well for the sake of posterity if I begin to record aspects of my life, though I already spent a good deal of time in front of the camera now.

And that’s a weird thing too, that after decades of avoiding anything camera related, I have found a professional and personal home in front of the camera. And it’s not like I just sort of pretend it’s not there, I can see what it sees. I can go back and watch the recordings. And all of my flaws are there on full display, bizarrely shaped eyebrows, fat chin, mouth slightly agape struggling to breathe, teeth knocked out of natural position. All of these things are recorded too. And as much as I would love to change them, they’re all there. I can’t do anything about it, really. Well, that’s not true, there are ways around it, but I’ve elected to be honest with myself, with the public, about the person that I am. It’s a liberating approach, to check all the boxes of things I don’t like about myself and just let them all hang on the line.

Some of those things, I can change. My weight has been becoming a problem that’s starting a bit of a domino effect, and so I’m setting aside an hour on most days to do some physical activity again, for my body. Belly, lungs, skin, you name it. And also for my mind. I think even though I spent the better part of this best week freaking out about how to manage my time, I think that taking some time just to work on myself and improve my situation while simultaneously letting me turn my brain off for an hour a day will ultimately be a start down a path that will be better for me, even if it’s a tight fit on some days. Sometimes all it can take is just an hour spent differently to change a life one way or the other.

The other night, this was a couple of nights ago, I was really ready to not sleep at all. In an impossible fashion however, not simple as to say I will stay up all night and then sleep some time during the day (even though that is largely what ended up happening). What I really wanted was to just sort of say that this night is a wash, let’s push the clock up to 10, bring out the sun, and let’s start the next day. It was a different kind of feeling than I’ve hard before, it wasn’t even really the same as the last night of anticipation before a trip that makes it hard to sleep or do anything but double and triple-check the luggage. I was lying there and thinking that nothing I could get done was going to make an impact. The timing was all wrong. And so I laid in bed, struggling to be comfortable, thinking to myself that this night-time business was really not what was needed that day. Normally when I feel similar I just get out of bed and do something productive for a couple hours and then I feel more at peace and can go to sleep. It’s all past tense now, taken care of, but I can’t remember ever thinking that all I really wanted to do was move on to the next day. The thing about these moments, these predicaments is that it smacks of a lack of patience. Time isn’t dragging heels out of spite, it moves with precision and accuracy ever-forward and never looks back no matter how hard the pleas of its subjects. In that way, time is reliable. And any day that is too dark is always destined to end. Patience solves more problems than frantic action.

Varnished into Thin Air

Posted: March 23, 2018 in Uncategorized

Wind sees a lot of things as it moves across the globe. Swirling in every direction, paying no heed to the creations of man or the elongated growth of natural trees. It flows regardless of climate, fearless of land and sea alike. It can push gently in a friendly, timid way, or it can aggressively shove all things with impunity and sometimes destructive force. It helps things to grow, it once pushed ships with cultural and consumable exchanges but has since been abandoned for all but leisure. Now the people whom it once served look to it now mostly as nuisance. Save your kite flyers and your sailors those that are generating power with the invisible force of the world, people turn their nose up at wind as they would a mangy hound. Bringer of allergies, tipper of garbage cans, the once-revered and still necessary force of wind has been relegated to a naturally occurring inconvenience.