Dadly

Posted: August 16, 2017 in Uncategorized

In a weird mood today being productive. Finally keeping slightly more hours right now, where I went to bed at midnight, but I fell asleep fast. So the hours are there but I’m getting proper tired first. It’s a pretty good spot to be in, though I know it won’t last. The weird thing is that I’ve spent the morning doing uncharacteristicly….domestic activities. Been doing a lot of cleaning, swept out the garage, picked up some garbage outside, even pulled some weeds. It’s weird. But I guess that’s part of being more responsible. I’m trying to be a little more helpful around the house, although my office is still an absolute mess. But, it’s LESS messy, which is something. I’ve put the bulk of the cable-ball away and I have a clearer, larger path from the door to my desk. In some places along the wall, I can even see patches of carpet!

Okay, now I know that sounds bad, and frankly, it is bad, but….hey. It’s progress. And that’s all I can really hope for and work towards, is being better the next day than I was the day before. That’s where I feel I am. Streaming is still taking a bit of a backseat for this week at least, but I did a little bit last night just to get back in the swing of things and I think that helped re-root myself with what I need to do. Of course, there’s also the risk that I realized today that maybe I just feel like I’m getting more done because I’m working on different things and still not really accomplishing the big things that I need to be doing in either way of doing things, but I’m hoping that my momentum will carry me through to do those things.

Juice God

Posted: August 15, 2017 in Uncategorized

So here’s an update on the new way of doing things that I mentioned yesterday — it’s working, kind of? I’m way behind on a few things, but I am getting a lot of stuff done that I don’t normally do. The house is cleaner than usual, my productivity levels are very high, but I think the combination of being more tired than usual due to sleep schedule issues and working a little harder than normal had added up to yesterday being…a little below expectations. Today, I definitely still have a lot on my plate, and I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to work it all out, but considering that it’s barely eight in the morning right now and I’m already about halfway done with all the work I wanted to get done today, I think that’s a good sign. I have time set aside for working out, some cleaning, some relaxing, and some hard work, but all things considered, it’s adding up okay. For now. Maybe.

Could be that in a week’s time I’ll already be 100% done with this strategy and ready to move onto another, as this one seems particularly aggressive toward my streaming schedule, which is the activity that maybe I enjoy the most and that has the most potential for growth for me, but I think in the end, it’ll all work out. And if it doesn’t, I can cook up a new idea. But I do think of after a week or two of this plan, I’ll be getting more done than I was before, and I’ll be spending less time to do it. Right now one of the big things that’s making this difficult is just the ramp-up period and getting over the initial mountain of what I’ve fallen behind on, so I’m doing my best to stick with it and not give up. Also, longer blog posts?

Trampolice

Posted: August 14, 2017 in Uncategorized

The ice maker in the hotel rattled merrily, if not pathetically, as the moon passed behind clouds quietly. The solitary but not uncommon whoosh of a single car passed by on the freeway, headed home. It was late enough that the travelers out on the road were all pretty much in bed. Those still driving were those with just a short distance to go. A late shift job that called. A lover who needed visiting. Though cities were not known for their resting, the smaller ones like this would leave their lights on and heave a breezy sigh of relief. Stray cats would wander silently around the streets. The people awake and working were mostly doing shelving and packing, preparing that rush of the vast majority of people who did not keep such hours. But for the occupant of Room 212, these were working hours. And he smiled and flipped his keycard in his hand as he strode away from the ever-diligent ice maker.

Rain on Sunday

Posted: August 14, 2017 in Uncategorized

I’ve been doing things the same way for a while now, and if there’s one thing I know about me, it’s that I like to organize my daily activities in a way that keeps me task-oriented and freshly motivated. If there’s two things I know about me, the second is that these ecosystems of organization I create, they last for a good few weeks, or months, or on rare occasion, for a year or so. Then I have to throw it all up in the air and do it differently. Same things, same goals, just approached differently. So that’s where I am right now. It’s a new week, I just flipped my sleep schedule around the day, and so I felt the opportunity to do something vastly different present itself. I organized all my thoughts and goals for the week, put them all together, and now I’ve hit the ground running.

In other news, man, what the fuck is going on out there? Seriously. I find myself becoming an increasingly isolated and insular person, and I want to try and prevent that from getting out of control, but….it’s seriously crazy right now, isn’t it? Hasn’t the whole world gotten flipped over on its head? I don’t understand what’s going on, I don’t understand how people can end up in these positions and places where this kind of behavior becomes normal or status quo. Here’s what I do know. Life happens, and it’s kind of shitty. It’s fun, and then it becomes increasingly harder and more painful. Part of that difficulty and pain is because of other people. Most of what prevents that difficulty and pain are other people. The moment you start closing your mind off to others without meeting them is the day you make your mountain steeper. Accept. Trust. Support.

No Breaks

Posted: August 13, 2017 in Uncategorized

In every life on this planet, all the way back to the very beginning, there is a turning point in a person’s history. A hallway with two doors, one of which must be opened, and one of which must be barred shut, sealed off and never to be explored. Some people do their best to avoid opening one of these doors. They sit in the hallway between them like a child ready for a nap, paralyzed by decision and unable to bring themselves to choose between left and right. And the thing about life is, that this third decision of indecision is possible, but these people are never the ones to be considered great, looked up to, admired. What we look for an individual is the ability to decide between one thing or another, with confidence and reflection, wisdom and bravery. But, ultimately, some people simply choose not to choose.

And they continue to exist in our world, drifting along the sidewalks and in the middle lane on the highway as ghosts, never offensive, never intrusive. It is almost as if their noses are thumbed at the very circumstances that gave them life to begin with. Truly, none of us asked to be made into a living thing. Some physicality occurs and some cells begin to mutliply and before you know it, your boyfriend is asking you where you want to eat and neither of you can decide, neither of you want to. Leadership, among many other qualities, is tiresome. And after a long day of working or cleaning or raising more created lives without their consent, tiresome activities cross the threshold into exhaustion. It is not enough that they are undesirable, they become unfathomable, impossible even. Choosing between a hamburger or fried chicken is just something that should be left up to someone else.

So we admire in leaders the ability to decide. Whether they are called upon to have that ability or inherit it the way one would inherit an oak desk, we admire them and shake our heads and wonder how a human of all things could do such a job. Or we shake our heads and discuss the myriad ways in which we could do better. Only we don’t. Because leadership takes effort. And effort is tiresome. And we, the humans, are tired. Those of us that are not tired decide to lead the tired. And then those of us that lead the tired become tired because the tired are too tired to be led. Parents know this first-hand, when they have a child who refuses to be put to bed, but is so tired that they then proceed to throw a tantrum, or fall asleep somewhere that is not their bed. They resist the very nature of being tired, but refuse to acknowledge tiredness until it overtakes them, as if the need for sleep can be ignored and set aside.

Of course, for many people, removing the need for sleep would either be a great dream or a horrible nightmare. For those that can not stop, that must always be planning and doing, not sleeping would be a great boost to the ability to do so. The narcotics market may suffer for this, but they might find a way to still market their goods for these purposes. For those that want only to sleep, this would be problematic. Society deems the sleepers, the dreamers, lazy already. That their great joy in life comes from within their mind, from a place of stillness and restfulness is not a quality to be laughed at or derided. But ours is a world of doers. We all, without our agreement to do so, are conscripted into a system where we spend our time doing tasks in exchange to make other people spend their time doing tasks so that when all is said and done, people can rely on each other because they must. It is a bridge of people holding hands so that none fall and all can cross, only we are simply holding each other up. Perhaps if we had not decided to cross this canyon, none of us would be waiting for the others to cross.

If you are reading this, still reading this, you may be wondering what my great point in all of this is. You may be thinking that I am building up to some suggestion that we follow some radical doctrine of isolation or togetherness, some meditation or some refusal to rest. But the thing is, I don’t know that I have the energy to try to lead people in some way like that. I don’t think I do. I get tired enough doing my best to entertain and tie together the people around me into neat little wreaths of activity. It exhausts. What I do know is that we take people who are genetically similar and separate them on the grounds of genetics. We take people who are intellectually across a spectrum wider than we can understand: billions of perspectives in the present, not counting the ones that existed before and the ones that will exist later, all unique and different, and ask them to all think the same way, to be motivated by the same drives that our leaders are motivated by. But we are not motivated by those. We are not motivated. We are tired. We want to sleep and be still.

And I, I am tired too. Only I learned long ago that I am one of those people who would rather not sleep if they could. I am very good at sleeping, I do it for long stretches and I do not easily relinquish its embrace, but I learned, as I said, long ago, that I am happier without it. I am happiest when I am doing. When I sleep, I sleep heavily and dream often of the mundane or the unpleasant. Last night I dreamt that a tornado hit my house and sent it two blocks away, ravaging my whole neighborhood. We had 7 people to fit into a 5-seat car and drive to shelter. I went to bed feeling depressed and woke up feeling better. Because I had time to do. And things to do. And that is what keeps me smiling and productive, is not slowing down enough to look at the inside of my own brain.

No Such Thing as The End

Posted: August 6, 2017 in Uncategorized

Week’s over, doing damage control for the things I couldn’t get done this week. Overall, I think it’s pretty balanced. I DID get a lot done, and a lot of it was things that needed to be done versus things that I wanted to get done, so if I separate those things into two piles and weigh them against each other, I think the scales will even. As for next week? Who knows, I don’t know yet. I’ll plan that all out in a few hours and then get started on it. I’d like to have time to get some projects done while also being a little more motivated to do things like stream and be more social. Also my office is slowly getting, dare I say it, clean. I’ve been just picking up a couple dozen things a week, and combining the upkeep of dishes and trash and the big pile of cables is resulting in….progress?

Could Clouds

Posted: August 5, 2017 in Uncategorized

Been a short day today, considering how late I slept, and still I feel just exhausted. There may be a couple factors at play there, how tired I am, how poorly I slept, allergies, you name it. My eyes are still kind of sore and itchy, but aside from just feeling lethargic, I’m doing okay. Tomorrow I’m going to have to buckle down even harder, finish out the week strong and get some big things done before getting a fresh-ish start on Monday. For now, I’m going to get some caffeine, settle in and do a relaxing show, and prepare for next week. Nothing else really to say. Maybe it’ll rain tonight? Maybe I’ll have another potato salad sandwich or leftover pizza? Maybe I’ll work on my fantasy football draft board? Maybe maybe maybe. I’m just happy with who I am and where I am, regardless of itchy eyes or feeling sleepy.