Here Stood Yesterday

Posted: May 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

Squinting in the sterile, dim environment of the intensive care room, Victor shifted his eyes downward and followed the indiscernible patterns of creams and beiges on the tile floor, colors unwilling to commit to being one thing or another. He couldn’t remember the last time he flew a kite, and as silly and frivolous an idea he had previously considered it to be, he was now furious with himself for not having a reasonable answer.

His back prickled, his face flushed red in the sickliest way, and if he had the strength, he’d have clenched his fists.

As the nurses changed his bedpans, he closed his eyes and tried to find a space away from the shame he felt in this moment.

Long life has its disadvantages at times, he would later internally remark. He was only thankful for the weakness in that it made it easy to sleep when he was pressed between the anxiety and the malaise.

When it was too terrifying to sleep in fear that he might never see sunlight again, there were small white pills and sour tasting water from a filmy paper cup.

A man he shared a room with at one point asked him what he would change about his life if he could, and his answer was still that he would have made God much easier to believe in.

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