Ever wonder how much it would cost to taste an entire house judiciary committee? Or what it would mean if you could alphabetize all of the world’s languages into one, easy-to-own desk reference set? Well, wonder no more. Because as of today, everything is possible! That’s right, there’s no money down, no guarantees of any sort, but as long as you focus really hard on it and try your best, today you’ll be able to do anything you want. Freeze time and take a nap! Float aimlessly without the assitance of so-called gravity! Turn blood into beer! As long as you want it to happen, then it’s going to happen. Don’t believe me? Ask best-selling self-help authors or other modern religious figures, and they’ll agree with me. Magic is everywhere, and the only thing you have to do in order to tap into its wondrous powers is to let go of all thoughts and focus solely on the dirt god Ulumentus, who will save us all by planting our roots once more and allowing us to grow with the vines and trees. Hail Ulumentus!
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