Unflattering Still

Posted: October 13, 2017 in Uncategorized

Next to me in the dark room is a pile of moments and memories taken physical form. They intersect, intertwine, they tangle and create a mental mirror for me to look into, remembering the wheres and hows and whos of so many things and times. I remember living alone. I remember coming home every night to an empty house and getting on Facebook, or playing online poker, or jumping on the latest video game to play with friends. And when the games died down I would put on music or the television and I would stay up all night listening to sounds halfheartedly. The fridge was stocked enough for me to eat an entire cheesecake one time, but more commonly I would end up popping out the back door to head to Taco Bell before they closed. I’d go to sleep before it got bright hopefully, and wake up to go to work and do it all over again. When I remember the moments of that life, that past version of myself, I remember always doing things: going places, working and laughing with friends, singing on the way home from work and dragging my feet in the hot sun on the way there. But when I look back in those moments where my schedule was packed and well-stocked, I feel an empty sadness. I think about that apartment which housed only me and I feel a crushing loneliness. I remember sitting on the floor hunched over a keyboard in the only part of the apartment that could get the promised free wi-fi I signed a lease for in order to reduce one of my monthly bills to zero (it didn’t work) and I remember doing an awful lot of things but I don’t feel much in common with that person. Or any of the people I’ve been over time. Some of those memories are fond things that I treasure dearly, others give me a knot of anxiety and pause even today. But the people I’ve been from past to now….I wonder if I could even get along with them. If we would have anything in common to really talk about. I’ve been angrier than I am now, or sadder, or happier even, I’ve prioritized varying things above all else, and now…well, it questions whether or not I’m due for reinvention in the next five years. It questions whether the path that I walk today will be for me later. I wonder about these things. You know when you find an old school paper or god forbid a diary or journal of yours, and you read through it and think good god, I thought these things. I was this person. Maybe you don’t. I do. Understand that I like myself very much, or very enough. I enjoy being me. And I enjoy bringing what I can bring to a situation or discussion or event. But I don’t think I’ve ever been comfortable with the things that I’ve done that have been done. I’m not one to root around and pine nostalgically for myself. Not to look at old photos. Or listen to old recordings. Or watch videotapes of the things that I did that were recorded live. And that’s a little weird maybe. Because for someone as obsessed with attaining history or permanence as I am, I also seem to be mortified about gazing upon the things that would make me historical or permanent. I’m comfortable existing where I am and imagining where I’m going. I’ve not yet made peace enough with where I’ve been to call, or to write, and tell my old self thanks for getting me to the point where I am and am comfortable now.


Hello Allison

Posted: October 12, 2017 in Uncategorized

Had a weird kind of…breakdown today at the grocery store where I was looking to buy ingredients for dinner and unable to find them. That’s the kind of weird thing about Walmart is that they seem to have gone away from being an “everything” store to just sort of having a normal supermarket-sized selection of the most common, basic items throughout every department. Ended up getting so flustered and frustrated that I forgot to buy a lot of things that I needed that weren’t explicitly written down. It was a tiresome experience and I actually needed a couple of hours to just veg out and do nothing even though I set aside today explicitly for work. So now I’m back at it, but I feel pretty drained. Kind of glad I took the day off otherwise so I can just sort of hibernate and get done what needs getting done. But God help you if you need refrigerated yakisoba noodles, I don’t know where they are.

Question Y:

Posted: October 4, 2017 in Uncategorized

Every day I can sense the cooler air around me and it takes me all of my strength not to just fling my window open and leave it open, filling up the house with fresh air. But I live with two other people, who have wildly varying opinions on temperature control, and so I’m limiting myself to select situations, namely those late at night where my room is getting hotter than the rest of the house. And it’s nice, but it’s not enough for me. So I find myself gulping up air when I go to the mailbox, or go to put a bag of garbage outside in the can. The transitional seasons are fleeting here in the desert, and though they don’t last they are so magical and perfect. The right amount of temperature, the right amount of wind, freshness, two months of paradise in a land of harshness. I just want to enjoy it while it’s here.

The Evening

Posted: October 3, 2017 in Uncategorized

Stayed up way too late last night working. Worked pretty much all day. Took a day off of streaming just to really make a dent in the things that have been piling up around me. Banged out a lot of tasks that were overdue in the sense that they should have been done a long time ago, not overdue in the sense that I’ve been floundering on deadlines. But it feels good to take a list of things that I have of “Seriously, get these done when you have a minute” and cutting a solid 25% of it away. They weren’t small things. It was a big accomplishment. Of course, there’s still a long list left to go, three-quarters full now, but winning the mental game against minor anxiety is about getting those wheels rolling, seeing that progress being made and then saying “See, that wasn’t so bad now, was it?”

The Odds

Posted: October 2, 2017 in Uncategorized

Stayed up way too late last night with an eye on the news. The situation broke about an hour before I went to bed and I get….well, I get sucked into these kinds of unthinkable stories. My brain always wants more details, the who, the why, the how. And I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, that “why” part isn’t something we often get to understand. Humanity is a thing lost with life, and there isn’t much of it left to begin with when suddenly you’re ending the lives of dozens more. Creating a tragedy that haunts some, steels others. But, I watched, and watched, eventually moving out to the guest bed currently situated in the living room, dozing off as the confirmed body count continued to rise. It’s an unthinkable situation, a terrible tragedy, and there isn’t any way to come to grips with it other than that some people feel so hurt, so wronged, that they go out and reciprocate that emotion. How a mind or a soul or whatever you believe in gets to that point, that is a great mystery that none of us will ever understand an ideally none would ever encounter.

Day Tripper

Posted: September 19, 2017 in Uncategorized

Trying some new things as far as the daily workload are concerned, none are working so far. But I guess the main problem is I know what I want to spend my time doing, I could use an extra 3 hours, but sleeping for only 5 or 6 hours a night catches up with me faster than I expected it to. Parents: good job. I don’t know how you do it. So now I’m in a position where I am once again sidelining the things that I actually want to do in the name of project prioritization and an element of social guilt. I don’t feel great about spending all my time in my office working, but it’s hard to get out and away from getting things done in a way that also coordinates with other people’s schedules. Especially in this house. I want to try harder, I want to do better, but the path forward requires sacrifice in a lot of different ways. I have to learn what is wise to sacrifice.

The Day Off

Posted: September 17, 2017 in Uncategorized

Got a small amount of sleep expecting to nap, still might. It’s Sunday, my new day off, and I’m celebrating by…well, working. Erin’s out of the house right now and I’ve got things to do, so I’m getting caught up on the back end of things while enjoying a day off from the internet public eye. Hopefully it puts me a situation where I can enjoy my week a little more freely. I’ve got the football games on, but as far as my fantasy week is concerned, I only have one player playing in the morning games, and only when the game isn’t on commercial, and only when one of the teams is on offense. That much personally invested downtime seemed a natural fit for me to do some productive stuff, so I’m knocking out some quick work while I also unload and reload the dishwasher. Making dinner tonight. Feeling like I’m in a rhythm. Still might nap at some point.