Headache Day

Posted: October 22, 2017 in Uncategorized

Slept funny last night, have a stiff neck now. But it’s okay. Having a pretty chill day otherwise. Which is kind of what I needed. For some reason or another I’ve been…grumpy, cranky, persnickety, you name it. Not all the time, but just set off at the most minor of inconveniences. It hasn’t been a good look. And I keep wanting to fix it, but…no such luck yet. I think part of it may be that I’ve just removed caffeine from my diet again, albeit temporarily (probably). So that’s my crutch excuse for it, but I don’t like to depend on those kinds of things, so I think the closer reality is just that I’ve been a little…off, emotionally, mentally, what have you. Need something good to come my way. And I think my attitude might be blocking me from getting it. So one way or another, I need an attitude adjustment.

Now the question is: How to go about that? I don’t really know a reliable way of doing so without getting into some kind of meta-new age kind of thing, and that’s not really my jam. I could meditate. I have at least one self-help book to read through. These things take time and either I don’t know how to use them or they don’t work for me. What I really need to do is stop taking things personally. I need to let things roll off my back more easily and I find that harder and harder to do the more I see people around me being, well, stupid. And that’s kind of the mentality I had as a teenager which tells me that either I’m regressing or everyone is. I don’t still think I’m this lone bastion of sanity in an ocean of ineptitude.

So the attitude that I’m considering is maybe a kind of social bonsai. To scale back my interactions a bit, take a couple weeks to be more introverted, not expose myself to certain behaviors or ways of thinking for a bit. And I know, social media and blogging culture has trained you at this point to say “Oh, is this about me?” No. Probably not. Maybe. But probably not. I don’t know who reads this every day, or ever. Because I have patience for the bigger things, but none for trivial matters. And I think that the patience in the latter is being decreased BECAUSE of my patience being taxed in the former, but that’s all conjecture. That’s me trying to say the problem doesn’t lie with me when in reality it requires me to do some introspection, improve myself, refresh and go back into the world. So if you don’t hear from me as often in one way or another, just know that I’m working, and hopefully I’ll be back.


Small Challenge

Posted: October 16, 2017 in Uncategorized

Giving up soda again. Temporarily at least. I know it’s not good for me, and I know that I don’t need the caffeine unless I get my body used to it. And I could probably lose a solid five pounds just by not drinking the stuff, not to mention save money, so I’m putting down the can again. I’ll be drinking water only, with the exception made for the odd fruit juice, or sports drink if I go out somewhere to eat or feel like adding a little flavor to my drink. Although honestly it’s not the flavor that’s the biggest thing keeping me from drinking just water, it’s a…texture thing, if you can apply that word to a beverage. The reason I like drinking other things is because they’re not as thin. There’s something about them that registers at the back of your throat as being less watery, whether that’s sugar or other ingredients or carbonation, or what have you: the reason I don’t just drink water all of the time is that eventually my throat starts to feel a little cramped or closed or something. Like it has to close farther than usual to just drink water. And that’s fine, I learned to like sports drinks a long time ago, especially when I gave up soda for the first time for a few years. So I’ll budget myself to a few dollars a week, go buy some Gatorades or Powerades, and expect to have a splitting headache some time in the next few days, but I think I’ll be healthier for it. And that’s the important thing, is to do what’s good for the old body. I don’t think it’ll be another long-term quit again, though it might become one. I’m just looking to detox a little bit and make a healthier choice.

Unflattering Still

Posted: October 13, 2017 in Uncategorized

Next to me in the dark room is a pile of moments and memories taken physical form. They intersect, intertwine, they tangle and create a mental mirror for me to look into, remembering the wheres and hows and whos of so many things and times. I remember living alone. I remember coming home every night to an empty house and getting on Facebook, or playing online poker, or jumping on the latest video game to play with friends. And when the games died down I would put on music or the television and I would stay up all night listening to sounds halfheartedly. The fridge was stocked enough for me to eat an entire cheesecake one time, but more commonly I would end up popping out the back door to head to Taco Bell before they closed. I’d go to sleep before it got bright hopefully, and wake up to go to work and do it all over again. When I remember the moments of that life, that past version of myself, I remember always doing things: going places, working and laughing with friends, singing on the way home from work and dragging my feet in the hot sun on the way there. But when I look back in those moments where my schedule was packed and well-stocked, I feel an empty sadness. I think about that apartment which housed only me and I feel a crushing loneliness. I remember sitting on the floor hunched over a keyboard in the only part of the apartment that could get the promised free wi-fi I signed a lease for in order to reduce one of my monthly bills to zero (it didn’t work) and I remember doing an awful lot of things but I don’t feel much in common with that person. Or any of the people I’ve been over time. Some of those memories are fond things that I treasure dearly, others give me a knot of anxiety and pause even today. But the people I’ve been from past to now….I wonder if I could even get along with them. If we would have anything in common to really talk about. I’ve been angrier than I am now, or sadder, or happier even, I’ve prioritized varying things above all else, and now…well, it questions whether or not I’m due for reinvention in the next five years. It questions whether the path that I walk today will be for me later. I wonder about these things. You know when you find an old school paper or god forbid a diary or journal of yours, and you read through it and think good god, I thought these things. I was this person. Maybe you don’t. I do. Understand that I like myself very much, or very enough. I enjoy being me. And I enjoy bringing what I can bring to a situation or discussion or event. But I don’t think I’ve ever been comfortable with the things that I’ve done that have been done. I’m not one to root around and pine nostalgically for myself. Not to look at old photos. Or listen to old recordings. Or watch videotapes of the things that I did that were recorded live. And that’s a little weird maybe. Because for someone as obsessed with attaining history or permanence as I am, I also seem to be mortified about gazing upon the things that would make me historical or permanent. I’m comfortable existing where I am and imagining where I’m going. I’ve not yet made peace enough with where I’ve been to call, or to write, and tell my old self thanks for getting me to the point where I am and am comfortable now.

Hello Allison

Posted: October 12, 2017 in Uncategorized

Had a weird kind of…breakdown today at the grocery store where I was looking to buy ingredients for dinner and unable to find them. That’s the kind of weird thing about Walmart is that they seem to have gone away from being an “everything” store to just sort of having a normal supermarket-sized selection of the most common, basic items throughout every department. Ended up getting so flustered and frustrated that I forgot to buy a lot of things that I needed that weren’t explicitly written down. It was a tiresome experience and I actually needed a couple of hours to just veg out and do nothing even though I set aside today explicitly for work. So now I’m back at it, but I feel pretty drained. Kind of glad I took the day off otherwise so I can just sort of hibernate and get done what needs getting done. But God help you if you need refrigerated yakisoba noodles, I don’t know where they are.

Question Y:

Posted: October 4, 2017 in Uncategorized

Every day I can sense the cooler air around me and it takes me all of my strength not to just fling my window open and leave it open, filling up the house with fresh air. But I live with two other people, who have wildly varying opinions on temperature control, and so I’m limiting myself to select situations, namely those late at night where my room is getting hotter than the rest of the house. And it’s nice, but it’s not enough for me. So I find myself gulping up air when I go to the mailbox, or go to put a bag of garbage outside in the can. The transitional seasons are fleeting here in the desert, and though they don’t last they are so magical and perfect. The right amount of temperature, the right amount of wind, freshness, two months of paradise in a land of harshness. I just want to enjoy it while it’s here.

The Evening

Posted: October 3, 2017 in Uncategorized

Stayed up way too late last night working. Worked pretty much all day. Took a day off of streaming just to really make a dent in the things that have been piling up around me. Banged out a lot of tasks that were overdue in the sense that they should have been done a long time ago, not overdue in the sense that I’ve been floundering on deadlines. But it feels good to take a list of things that I have of “Seriously, get these done when you have a minute” and cutting a solid 25% of it away. They weren’t small things. It was a big accomplishment. Of course, there’s still a long list left to go, three-quarters full now, but winning the mental game against minor anxiety is about getting those wheels rolling, seeing that progress being made and then saying “See, that wasn’t so bad now, was it?”

The Odds

Posted: October 2, 2017 in Uncategorized

Stayed up way too late last night with an eye on the news. The situation broke about an hour before I went to bed and I get….well, I get sucked into these kinds of unthinkable stories. My brain always wants more details, the who, the why, the how. And I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, that “why” part isn’t something we often get to understand. Humanity is a thing lost with life, and there isn’t much of it left to begin with when suddenly you’re ending the lives of dozens more. Creating a tragedy that haunts some, steels others. But, I watched, and watched, eventually moving out to the guest bed currently situated in the living room, dozing off as the confirmed body count continued to rise. It’s an unthinkable situation, a terrible tragedy, and there isn’t any way to come to grips with it other than that some people feel so hurt, so wronged, that they go out and reciprocate that emotion. How a mind or a soul or whatever you believe in gets to that point, that is a great mystery that none of us will ever understand an ideally none would ever encounter.